


The {   } And

by MuddlingAlong



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-17 22:23:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14198922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuddlingAlong/pseuds/MuddlingAlong
Summary: Why do you love me?Charity and Vanessa explore their relationship in a series of questions, complete with flashbacks, a bit of smut and some affirmations





	1. Why do you love me?

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this idea from the Skin Deep's project The { } And on YouTube - basically if you haven't seen it, couples ask each other questions on film, and it gets really deep and really personal and really emotional (go watch Keisha and Andrew, or Kat and Christina, or Doug and Rafa, if you're interested, honestly it is SO BEAUTIFUL).  
> And I thought wouldn't it be cool if Vanity did it...? 
> 
> Basically just an excuse for some emotional exposition and some rehashing of past trauma and maybe some smut because who doesn't want that?
> 
> It doesn't really fit into the timeline, it could be anywhere from March to May 2018 I guess  
> More to follow....

THE SKIN DEEP PRESENTS

Vanessa and Charity

Dating  
Six Months

 

They sit five feet apart, the space seeming to billow out between them. Charity longs to reach out, feel skin against skin, but settles for smiling faintly, which is answered with a cocked head and a tiny wink. Warmth blossoms inside her. Despite the physical distance, they know how to make their feelings felt.

She has flutterings in her stomach at what they are about to do, but she’s equally aware that there is no one on this earth she would rather do this with than Vanessa. No one’s eyes she’d rather meet unflinchingly for twenty minutes whilst they dig deep into their souls on camera. And although she is distantly aware of the other people in the room, she can tune their presence out, like you can tune out the ticking of a very loud clock if there is something else holding your interest. And Vanessa is everything that will ever hold her interest.

There’s a murmur of “let’s go,” from behind one of the cameras, and she nods to Vanessa to pick up the first card. Noticing as her hand reaches out that there is a tremor in her fingers, she realises that her own anxiety is much less than Vanessa’s, so she meets her eyes with that soft smile she reserves just for her as she waits for the question.

In spite of her obvious fear, there is no tremor in her voice as she reads from the card, “why do you love me?”

Charity breathes out through tensed lips, making a shushing sound as she does so, and laughs lightly, “starting with the easy one, right?”

Her reaction is met with a knowing smile, which she gazes into for a second, letting her answer fill her before she speaks.

“I think- I mean there is so much to say. I didn’t really realise I loved you until- until that day you were talking to the snake, do you remember?” She smiles loudly as she realises how mad that sounds to other people, but she stays in that space. “I came into the room, and you were there talking to Voldemort the snake,” Vanessa chuckles, flicking her eyes down and then back up, “and you were panicking and a bit drunk and a bit- maudlin ‘cause you thought you’d lost your job, and you told me that I was going to bring you down with you.”

Charity pauses, searching Vanessa’s face, lets the moment of silence echo round the room. “And you were so sincere, so convinced that somehow you were letting me down. And I was like- that’s the most ridiculous thing in the world- the idea that-” Suddenly she feels her voice get thick and, embarrassed, she starts twisting her fingers together in that familiar way. “Everyone I’ve ever been with has made me feel like I drag them down into the gutter, like I am a burden, like, something to haul around. But you- you were the first one to make me feel like- like I was worthy- of having someone to love me. You made me feel like I was entitled to ask for more, to deserve better. I mean- you have made me see myself in a way that I haven’t been able to in a really really long time, because you’re the kindest, most generous, open-hearted person I know.”

Vanessa’s smile seems to be glowing, though maybe that’s just the pink blush that has spread across her cheeks. 

“I mean, there are so many reasons why I love you, babe, because you make me laugh and because you care so much, and because you are an absolutely shit dancer and you don’t buy me really expensive presents, and because you like Michelle Pfeiffer so much, and you’re really weirdly sexy in that horrible green overall- whatsit, but I reckon that the big reason, like, the main reason why I love you is because- because you’ve shown me how to love myself.” Charity grins sheepishly and rubs at her eye which has somehow become wet, swallowing down the “oh god that’s so flippin’ cheesy” comment, because she knows that Ness needs to feel the sincerity.

Vanessa’s eyes are also brimming, and that warmth between them soars. “You never told me that,” she whispers, “at the vets I mean, you never told me that that was when you first knew.”

She presses her lips together, her voice still thick and solid in her throat, “well, I can’t be letting my reputation of being a hard-faced bitch get away from me, can I? Can’t go falling in love with a drunk moody cow after a month of dating when I walk in on her talking to a snake, can I?” On seeing Vanessa roll her eyes, she tries to get her back, “sorry, babe. That I never told you earlier, that I waited so long before I said it.”

Vanessa smiles sadly, keeping her eyes fixed on Charity’s, “I know why, Charity. It’s so completely okay. But I’m glad you told me that just now.” A tear escapes which she brushes away hastily, but Charity reaches out a hand and squeezes her knee, rubbing her thumb on the inside edge. 

_I love you_ she mouths.

_I love you_ she mouths back.


	2. When do you feel closest to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING  
> LOTS OF SMUT  
> DO NOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU
> 
> but this is my first time writing sex stuff, so please let me know if you liked it!

They stay in that warm space for a few beats before “go on, pick a question, you pillock,” Vanessa pulls them out of the moment. 

Charity feigns an offended gasp, then grins, reaches for a card and, looking her girlfriend in the eye, “when do you feel closest to me?”

Vanessa raises an eyebrow and huffs, “well,” she almost laughs, “I don’t know if I want to say that on camera.”

“Go on, babe, they’re not here. It’s just you and me.” Charity nudges her foot against Vanessa’s, brings her back into that warm space they share.

Vanessa bites her lip. “I mean, I feel close to you all the time. When I’m playing with Moses and you’re watching me, or when you pour me a drink without me even having to ask, or on Saturday mornings when you’ve just dropped Noah off at football and you come back into bed and we have a cup of tea and just talk about the weekend, or when you wait up for me if I’ve been out on call-”

“Yeah, babe, but the question was, when do you feel _closest_?”

“Alright, I was getting there,” Vanessa rolls her eyes, but returns to meet her girlfriend’s gaze. Those green eyes capture her words for a second, and she has to swallow before she continues. “I guess- I suppose I feel closest to you in that moment before we go to sleep. When we’ve just-” blushing quickly and glancing either side of Charity’s head, “been together, you know, intimately, like when-if we’ve finished- you know-”

“Yeah- when we’ve just had sex, yeah”

Again, Vanessa rolls her eyes, and giggles, irritation at being interrupted again draining away as that cocky, knowing smile of Charity’s that she knows so well melts across her face. “Well, it’s then, when we’re both quite tired, and we’re halfway between sleeping and being awake, and we’re all like- entwined-” she breaks off to smile widely at Charity, knowing she’ll find the use of the word “entwined” endearing, “and I’ve got my head on your chest, and I can feel your heartbeat against my ear, and you’ve got your arms around me, and you’re complaining about my cold feet. And it feels like- it feels like we’re one person. Like, I feel more alive in that moment, even though I’m about to fall asleep, because I feel like I’m part of you, like I know what you’re feeling, like we could dream the same bloody dream because we’re so- connected.” 

She giggles again, nervously this time, and smiles at her girlfriend’s smile. It would be so easy for either of them to make a disparaging comment and brush away the emotion, but neither of them do. “Like last night?” enquires Charity, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, like last night.”

 

_“You’re back late,” Charity’s voice, coming from the general area of the bed which she can’t see through the darkness, is reproachful, but not angry._

_Vanessa huffs as she takes her bra off underneath her t shirt and throws it at the general area of the chair, groaning as she realises she missed it. “Yeah, well, Mr Thompson is more stubborn than- a really stubborn person and was convinced that Rufus the horse was dying, and Paddy said he couldn’t go because he’s bloody terrified of horses and Chas was “ill”, and Rhona said she needed a night in with Pete because of the whole Ross thing, like they’ve not spent every-” she breaks off into a sighing smile as Charity slowly pulls her into bed, throwing the covers over them and wrapping her arms round her waist._

_“Bloody straight couples and their drama, they think they’re so flippin’ marvellous,” Charity sighs, kissing her way from Vanessa’s neck to her ear which she nibbles, eliciting a tired moan._

_Six months ago, Vanessa would have found the joke about straight couples and the implication that she wasn’t straight uncomfortable, but she’s becoming more comfortable with Charity’s humour, and she lets out a soft chuckle, “it’s practically homophobic.” At the answering nip to her earlobe she draws Charity closer, too, kissing her shoulder. “Are you alright? I’ve not seen you all day.” “Yeah yeah, fine, I was working ’til closing ‘cause Chas is actually ill to be fair, s’not easy being pregnant when you’re practically in a zimmer frame.” Her hands are warm as she pulls her closer, “who the hell calls a horse Rufus anyway?” To which Vanessa giggles, having had the same thought herself. She tangles their legs together so almost every part of them is touching, “God, your feet are freezing, woman,” Charity’s tone is again reproachful, but also so full of affection that it’s hard to be offended._

_“Well, it is March, and we are in Yorkshire, and I have just spent four hours with a horse with a bloody chipped tooth, he wasn’t actually dying, of course not, and Mr Thompson didn’t offer-” but she’s interrupted when Charity kisses her softly, a hand pulling the back of her neck closer, her tongue sweeping across her bottom lip. She smiles into Charity’s mouth, lets her push herself on top of her, moaning deeply through a smile as a knee pushes upwards._

_She’s been looking forward to this moment ever since she left the pub early that morning, leaving a kiss on a tired Charity’s forehead as she drank the dregs of her tea, moody at having been dragged out of bed at six thirty by Moses’ nightmare. She’s been dreaming about these lips, these hands, this skin all day, when she was supposed to be in the surgery this morning, being bitten back into the present by dogs, or shouted at by Pearl who kept thinking Vanessa had fallen asleep. Charity’s hands seem to be everywhere at once, one moment pulling her t-shirt up and gently twirling round her breasts, the next pulling roughly at her hair so her neck is exposed to being massaged by lips and tongue, the next trailing the faintest softest dance up her inside thigh, until they reach the point where she’s aching most, and a thumb twist in the right place sends her hips bucking upwards uncontrollably._

_Charity kisses her bottom lip, nibbling softly, her whisper tickling Vanessa’s chin, “you’re gonna have to be quieter than that, babe, Noah’s next door.” Vanessa hadn’t even realised she’d been making any noise, being so completely out of her own head._

_“Well,” she gasps, trying to let the air out as slowly as possible, “you’re not exactly making things easy.” Charity’s hand is still working between her legs and she clenches her thighs together, desperate for some more friction, but she meets thin air as the taller blonde begins to work her way back up her body, mapping delicate patterns on her outer thighs and belly. She cries out in frustration, annoyed that she’s already this needy after five minutes. Again, six months ago, she’d have been embarrassed to be so totally obviously desperate for closer contact, but she’s long since decided to give up all pretences and let things play out themselves._

_“The louder you are,” Charity murmurs against the side of her neck, pressing her tongue on that point she knows makes Vanessa buckle, “the longer I’ll take,” she bites down, and Vanessa has to swallow a loud groan._

_Charity takes her time, removing the last few items of clothing slowly, letting Vanessa’s arousal ebb and flow, drawing her maddeningly close with tongue and teeth, fingers and nails, until a moan escapes bitten lips and then she’s all frustratingly soft caresses and fingertips. After what feels like an eternity, Vanessa is driven mad enough and pulls her girlfriend’s hips down towards hers, grinding up to meet them. Charity herself lets out a groan that seems to drag up from the depths of her body and Vanessa answers by sucking and pulling at her bottom lip and, with strong arms, pushes them both over so she’s on top, straddling the taller woman, pressing her wet kiss into soft skin._

_“Jesus, ‘Ness,” Charity murmurs, a hard glint in her eyes. Finally deciding things are taking too long, she presses her thigh upwards so that the smaller woman is almost sitting astride her leg, and, ignoring Vanessa’s moans this time, begins a rhythm that has them both breathless in seconds._

_Vanessa is so close, her thighs pressed together, grinding down, no longer caring about the noise she’s making, and with the skilled introduction of Charity’s outstretched hand providing the real friction she’s been desiring all night, she throws her head back and comes tumbling apart, anchored by her girlfriend’s firm grip on her hips, kept moving slowly by her rolling thigh._

_Six months ago, she wouldn’t have been able to let herself go this obviously. She’d have been wary of being so naked, so open, like a deer leaving its flank an open target, so exposed. But Charity has never made her feel anything other than completely accepted and safe in these moments. And so she can lose herself utterly, let her body take over and just- melt._

_As she begins to regain awareness of the present, she drops forward, hands either side of Charity’s head and kisses her deeply. She can feel her girlfriend smile under her lips and whisper “you were very loud.”_

_Vanessa chuckles into her mouth “whoops,” and slides down so that she is lying next to Charity, who is still on her back, looking into her face. Seeing the glint of arousal still in her eye, Vanessa lets her hand wander down the taller body, switching between faint whispers of caresses, and pinches and presses, whilst giving her neck and shoulders the full attention of her mouth._

_Within a few minutes, she’s writhing under her hand, and, knowing full well by now that Charity is not a patient woman, she sweeps her fingers through wetness, smugly pleased at how much the ice queen has melted. She pushes inside one, two fingers, her thumb circling once, twice, three times, and Charity comes with a loud cry, hips reaching towards the ceiling and head hitting back against the headboard._

_Vanessa keeps her hand where it is whilst she kisses her neck through the last few tremors, removing it slowly once she can feel the clenches and fluttering vibrations subside, and wraps her arm around Charity’s belly, hand settling on her hip, head nudging onto her chest._

_She can hear her heartbeat, at first thudding loudly, then slowing down to a faint, steady, comforting rhythm. She feels a kiss pressed to the top of her head, feels her own eyelids droop closed as well as Charity’s drowsiness, feels hands coming to encircle her, thumbs rubbing softly. She can’t tell where her legs end and where Charity’s begin, doesn’t know if it’s Charity’s hair that’s tickling her nose or her own, if she’s snuffling with snores or Charity is._

_You’re beautiful she whispers into her chest. She feels arms tighten around her in response, and smiles softly, remembering how her girlfriend loses the ability to talk in this moment. She plants one last kiss on warm skin and lets the rhythm of heartbeats carry her off to sleep._

 

Vanessa, knowing that recollections of last night are also going through Charity’s head, blushes slightly and explains, “it’s then when we don’t need actual words, you know? We can communicate without needing to say anything.”

Her girlfriend nods and smiles, brushing her hair over to one side, showing exposed neck that sends Vanessa’s brain very vividly back to the night before, “babe, I know exactly what you mean.”


	3. What is the Pain in me you Wish you Could Heal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry for sad baby charity
> 
> WARNING now for ass*ulty man and abusive language

Charity leans forward, takes a card, reads it, and pauses. Vanessa can tell that it’s not an easy question by the crease furrowing in-between her eyebrows, and watches her put the card back on the table and meet her eyes before she says anything. 

Her voice is low and soft, Vanessa almost wants to tell her to speak up for the cameras until she hears the end of the question, “what is the pain in me you wish you could heal?”

They hold eye contact for a moment, anxiety spilling out across the room, until Charity looks down, and Vanessa knows that this one matters. So she waits until Charity looks back up, and she has her full attention, lets as much love show on her face as she can before she answers.

“I think- I am constantly surprised by you. I don’t know everything you’ve gone through, far from it, but I do know a lot. And those things I know about what- about what other people have done to you- about how they’ve made you feel-” Vanessa’s voice catches in her throat, and she sees that tears are falling down Charity’s cheeks, but that she is making no attempt to wipe them away. “Knowing what I do know, and knowing you, knowing the you of today, I am constantly surprised that you’re not breaking apart before my eyes.”

Charity smiles weakly and indicates the mascara-laced tears on her cheeks.

“I know, I mean, I know it’s not like you’re some pillar of strength who never breaks, babe, I get that, but what I mean is that- you’re- you carry around so much- shit with you, every day, and yet you’re not screaming angry, and you’re not fighting every man that comes into the bar. If it were me, I think- I think I just wouldn’t be a functional member of society, I would just feel so betrayed, by everyone, that I’d just- fall apart.”“Yeah but, babe, you don’t know that, it’s easy to say that, but you don’t know what you’d do until you actually- until it actually happens to you. It was what it was. And it’s like, surviving is the only option, you know? You can’t just curl up and die, there’s this little evolutionary survival instinct in me, and I just, do, I carry on.” Charity’s voice is thin, and she sounds frustrated and angry, even though there’s nothing but understanding and calm in her face. 

Vanessa nods fervently. “I know, I know, love- it’s just that- you’ve been through so so much.” She looks down to the question again, and tries to refocus herself, letting out a breath she hadn’t quite realised she’d been holding. “I don’t know what pain I’d heal. It’s hard because, maybe without all that stuff that has happened to you, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. And- I am so hopelessly in love with the person you are today, that I couldn’t imagine it any other way.” 

She reaches out her hand, and Charity takes it, runs her thumb over the back of her fingers.

There are threads, invisible threads running between them, threads of trust and loyalty and faith and confidence that Vanessa has slowly, wordlessly encouraged Charity to sew over the past few months, which is hard going with someone whose heart has been trampled on so many times. And it’s when they talk about this, about Charity’s past, that Vanessa feels those threads vibrate with fragility, like one wrong word and they could all snap, sending them both back into that cold dark place from before they met.

Choosing her words carefully, knowing how much words can wound, “I mean. I’d take- _him_ away. Everything he ever did to you, everything he made you do, all of that- shit he put you through, I’d take that in a heartbeat. Because no one should have to go through that.”

Charity’s head falls fowards, and Vanessa knows that she understands. They’ve only spoken about Bails a few times. Vanessa is slowly getting her to talk about her past in a safe space, when Charity’s head is in Vanessa’s lap, looking resolutely away, but holding on to her knees like they are a life raft.

“And the fact that I can’t do anything about that kills me.” Charity meets her eyes again, an emptiness in them that Vanessa can’t stand, “but there’s one thing that maybe I could help you- come to- realise. You are so convinced that you are an awful mother. And I know that you’ve made mistakes, babe, but,” Vanessa can’t help herself from using her hands to emphasise her words, “so much of that has been because of how you’ve been treated in the past. You’re so convinced that there’s nothing you can do to make it up to them, but believe me, that’s so not true.”

Charity drops her eyes again, and Vanessa can tell that Charity doesn’t want to believe her.

“Babe, look at me,” and reluctantly, she does. “You know what you said, about that- evolutionary survival instinct thing you have? Well you’ve also got some sort evolutionary protective instinct, too, babe. Like every parent, like me and Johnny, like Debbie and the kids. Your first instinct is always to protect them, as well as yourself. And sometimes, you know that you can’t protect them unless you survive, so, yeah, sometimes you make decisions that they might not like when they’re grown up and stroppy. But your first instinct is always to love them, and to keep them safe, even if that means that they’re away from you.” 

Vanessa’s voice is shaking now, watching Charity’s face crumple. “That’s why you’re a good mum. That is always your first instinct.”

Silence stretches between them, broken only by sniffing as they try and control their leaking eyes. Vanessa smiles inquiringly at Charity, testing those threads.

She smiles weakly back. “No one has ever said anything like that to me before,” having regained some control to her tears, she sounds less shaky and Vanessa sighs in relief. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I know I’m right, babe.” Vanessa’s smiling widely now, feeling the threads tighten, feeling suddenly so much closer to Charity than five minutes ago. 

“Even with Debbie, I- I always wanted what was best for her, and even though it killed me to know it, I knew- I _knew_ that whatever “best” was, it wasn’t me,” and as she speaks, her eyes slide over the smaller woman’s shoulder and she slips into a space where Vanessa knows she can’t reach her.

 

_She watches them from her familiar little spot in the Woolworths doorway. Girls in flared jeans and crimped hair, with little pink handbags and giggly gossipy friends. Girls in hoodies and jogging bottoms being yanked into glossy shops by their glossy mothers, all sulky frowns and dragging feet. Girls in short skirts and high heels, clicking down the street with their boyfriends on their arm, smiling big red lipstick smiles._

_What Charity wouldn’t give to be one of those girls. To have gossipy friends and glossy mothers, even a boring old boyfriend. Why is this her life? Maybe she did something in a previous life, or she was really awful when she was a kid. That must be it. She must have done something terrible to deserve a dad full of fury, who drinks and flies into rages, and a mum so bitter and unforgiving, so beaten down she’s devoid of warmth, and a cousin who can pretend he really cares for her, who can hold her hand and make her feel safe, who can touch her cheek and make her feel loved, but who has also loaded her with secrets and pain enough to topple her world._

_“Y’alright, darlin’?” A leery drunken bear is reeling across the street towards her, his own feet the biggest hinderance to his passage._

_She doesn’t say anything, used to men like this and still half-watching the lipstick girl teetering along, her boyfriend struggling to keep up with her long-legged strides._

_“Shouldn’t you be in school, a little scrap like you?” He’s close enough for the beery fumes to make her feel sick and she tries to slip away, but he topples towards her and blocks her path with a hand against the wall._

_“It’s a day off, wanker” she mumbles and tries to move his hand, but he’s strong despite the alcohol coursing through his veins and doesn’t budge. Suddenly scared, she tries to dodge underneath his arm, but she’s moving a lot slower recently and he catches her round the chest, pushing her back into the wall, a hungry possessiveness in his eyes._

_“Yeah, right, nasty little bitch, you, aren’t ya? Didn’t your parents teach you some manners?” His heavy hands pressing her shoulders against the wall._

_Frightened into quietness and losing hope that she’ll escape, she whispers “please, let me go,” her hands reaching instinctively towards her stomach, cradling herself protectively._

_He looks down at her arms and sees what had been hidden by her baggy school jumper and hunched shoulders. Her hands are clasped desperately to the definite bulge round her midriff, unmistakably tender and defensive._

_After a moment’s pause, during which he looks at her like she’s filth, he hisses “fuckin’ slag,” and lurches back down the street._

_Charity leans her head back against the wall, blinking back tears. One hand is still underneath her belly, against which she can feel the faint kicking that she had found so frightening at first, but is somehow a slight comfort right now, despite everything. She doesn’t want to go home, but there’s nowhere else. And it’s cold out here, wind biting at her skin. At home she can maybe get some dinner, if her dad’s been sober enough to go to the shops. Or at least she can hide under the duvet and pretend that none of this is happening._

_She rearranges her jumper and sets off down the street, following the path the lipstick girl and her boring boyfriend had taken._

_She must have done something truly awful to deserve all this._

 

“Babe?” Vanessa’s voice brings Charity out of her reverie.

She looks startled, and ashamed at having drifted away, “sorry, Ness, I was-”

“Hey, no, you never have to apologise to me, babe,” Vanessa takes hold of both of her hands and speaks as firmly and sincerely as she can.

“Mm,” Charity replies, as childlike as she’s ever seen her.

“I mean, you can apologise for not replying to my texts quick enough, and for forgetting my dad’s birthday, and for sleeping through the alarm,” Charity laughs and Vanessa is filled with warm heat, “but you never have to apologise to me for that.”

Charity nods, and maybe she’s actually taken a tiny bit of that to heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments always very much appreciated <3


End file.
